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THE ONION BRINGS ITS SATIRICAL GENIUS TO MALL SHOOTINGS.

"I remember thinking 'This is it, I'm going to die,'" the 34-year-old contractor said from his bed at Buffalo General Hospital, where he is still under observation after sustaining three gunshot wounds, including one that left a bullet lodged in his spine. "Then I looked around at where I was and told myself there was no way in hell I was going to let them find me curled up behind a floor display of Midnight Jasmine Housewarmer jar candles."

Victim Of Mall Shooting Determined Not To Die In Yankee Candle | The Onion - America's Finest News Source



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